I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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