All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
