Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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