don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
