If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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