So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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