why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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