Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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