I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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