It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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