Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my phone needs a breathalizer
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
