I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
