There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
