cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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