$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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