So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
