I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
