Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
