Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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