NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
