Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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