I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
