I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
