I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
