I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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