my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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