Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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