I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
