College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just puked most of my soul out..
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
