Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
