I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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