I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
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He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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