honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
