Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
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You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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