Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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