Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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