How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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