Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
