I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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