i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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