i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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