My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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