I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
