watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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