I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
