I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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