Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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