I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
