I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
