I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
