Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
