I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
