some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
