Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
